Delayed

Delayed.  It's a word we use and experience all the time.

If your flight is delayed, it can be a blessing if you're running late or a curse if you have a connecting flight.

As a kid, a delayed start to the school day because of inclement weather was such a treat!

Then there's delayed gratification - like when my best friend's mom told me to hang in there when it came to ski school (which I DESPISED when I was little) because when I was older, I would be able to ski with the boys. :)  Or eating all your veggies so you can have dessert.

But being told - on paper - that your child is "delayed."  There's something about the way that word feels as a parent when attributed to your sweet little baby that is hard to digest.  Even when you know it to be true.

On December 20, P was evaluated, per our request, by ECI (Texas' Early Childhood Intervention program), because we had concerns over his expressive language.  By the age of 2, the average child has 50 words.  At 23 months, P had one word - mama.  No animal sounds, no mimicking, just mama.  Well, mama and lots and lots of gobbledygook, but as cute as it was, it wasn't doing us much good in the communication department.

Even though this child has been read to, sung to, and talked to (almost without ceasing :)) since the day he was born, he was not showing normal language acquisition.  At his 18 month appointment, I was asked if he had 6 words.  I asked if using the word "boom" in 6 different ways counted. :)  They told me not to worry about anything and that closer to two years, we'd probably see a boom in his vocabulary.  We didn't.

And thanks to social media, I became more and more aware of all of the things my friends' kids were saying that mine was not, and I began to get worried.  We talked to the pediatrician at 22 months and agreed that getting him evaluated was the first step.  People always asked me about his hearing, but I knew the kid could hear things...so that wasn't the issue.

Two evaluators came out to see P on Dec. 20 - a speech pathologist and another child specialist.  They did lots of activities with him over the course of an hour (and asked me a TON of questions) to check his development in 5 areas:
1) Social
2) Cognitive
3) Adaptive
4) Fine and Gross Motor Skills
5) Expressive and Receptive Language

According to them, a delay of 0-25% is considered "normal" because kids develop at different rates.  P's results came back within normal range except for expressive language, which showed that he had a 39% delay - equivalent to that of a 14 month old's language skills as a 23 month old.  That sort of delay qualified him to receive services through ECI.

So it was a good news/ bad news situation.  Good news: P was going to get additional help from experts!  Someone would come to our house once a week to work with him for 45 minutes and talk to me for 15 minutes.  Bad news:  Not only was my child just labeled as "delayed," but this opened up can of worms that got thrown into a deep, dark hole where I willing followed while asking the following questions, "WHY does he have such delayed speech?  Is it my fault?  What else could we have done?  Will he ever talk?   How will this affect him later on down the line?"  And on...and on...and on...

I would be lying if I said I didn't cry.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't expecting the worst.  I would be lying if I told you I didn't wish that P was like all my friends' kids who were able to sing songs and speak in little sentences and ask questions and COMMUNICATE with their families.  And I would be lying if I told you I didn't feel alone.  So I won't lie. 

I cried. 

I expected the worst. 

Selfishly (and embarrassingly), I desperately wanted for P to "be like all the other kids..."

And I felt so alone.

I lived in my dark hole for a few days, every once and a while coming up for air to talk to a dear friend about it and look at things from a more logical and unemotional perspective.  I was able to process that one of the things that made this all so difficult was because I didn't know a single other person who had gone through something like this.  Throughout the first two years of P's life, any obstacle I faced was met with a commiserating, "I've been there," from at least one other mom...and it's those "I've been there's" that make you feel like 1) you're not alone, and 2) that there's light at the end of the tunnel.  They are a life-line for desperate mamas!  And I didn't have that.

And that was really hard.

But I'll tell you what I did have...I had a husband who loved me, comforted me, and reassured me.  I had a friend who told me that "God chose us to be P's parents and would equip us with what we needed to take care of him."  I had a friend who applauded my bravery for staring this obstacle in the face and getting my son the help he needs.  I had a cousin who talked me off the ledge with humor, and knowledge, and love.  I had family and other friends who were supportive and understanding.  But more than anything else, I had God who put it on my heart that though the world might see P and use the word "delayed," He looks at P and says "all in My perfect timing." 

This is not a surprise to the Father.  P is fearfully and wonderfully made - from his beautiful blue eyes, to his precious giggle, to his intricately wired brain that, in HIS perfect time, will allow P to share all those little thoughts that are running around in his head.  And until that time, I will trust that God has a perfect plan and has this all under control. 

Now - there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Within a few weeks of P's evaluation and before he started meeting with a therapist, little words started coming out...one of the first ones being "Dad-Dee!" :) (Needless to say, J was thrilled...and so was I!)  We also built up quite the arsenal of animal sounds and started saying "wah-wah" while in the bathtub to request that the water be turned back on and "nah-nuh" one morning while eating breakfast to request a banana...and so on and so on.

In fact, a new word is added to the kid's vocabulary almost every day, which of course makes me happier than I can express! :)  I now find myself in an interesting place, and I think it's a place where God is helping me to work on something that as a mom I really struggle with - and that's comparing my child to everyone else's.  Here's an example:

One of the first things we worked on with P was using "yes" and "no" appropriately.  J and I joked that we felt like the only parents in the world who have had to teach their child the word "no" :), and not to worry, he picked it up pretty quickly.  So on the one hand, I am having a party because my kid is using "yes" and "no" and is able to let us know things he wants and doesn't want.  This is a big deal!  Our lives are transformed by these two small words!  I want to tell everyone I know about it!  And then there is a moment where I stop and realize that most of my friends with kids P's age experienced this sort of thing AGES ago with their kids.  And for a brief moment, my excitement lessens, and I start to question even telling anyone because compared to other kids, who are singing songs and having conversations, this is nothing.  And I hate to admit that there are moments where I believe that lie about my sweet child.  That we don't have time to celebrate these little successes because we have so much we have to "catch up on." 

Thankfully, during those moments, the holy spirit works in me, and I am able to STOP COMPARING my precious P with anyone else and CELEBRATE who he is - just how God made him to be.  Now, I'm not super woman.  At the moment I don't watch Facebook posts with descriptors like "My Baby Singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," because I know where my mind and heart can go.  And I can't really describe it, but there are so many times when I could be comparing P, and it's like my head isn't even allowed to go there.  Praise God.  The past two months have been filled with so many celebrations over new words, and for the most part, I have been able to enjoy them because they are gifts from God, answers to prayer, and because they are words that are coming out of the mouth of MY little boy.

For awhile, part of my nightly prayers with P was that God would give him his little voice and that he would give us the patience to wait on His timing.  I have seen this prayer being answered over and over again, and I am grateful because God is sovereign and always comes through.

From Always, by Kristian Stanfill
Oh, my God, He will not delay.
My refuge and strength always.
I will not fear, His promise is true.
My God will come through always, always."